There
are some days
That
I just can’t seem to get myself out of bed
That
my heart feels so heavy it makes my head feel light
That
I just don’t want to wake up
I
cower under my safety blanket
But
it feels like a shroud
For the little girl I no longer recognise in myself
I
used to hate falling asleep
Because
I was afraid of getting nightmares
Now
I am afraid of waking up
Because
the nightmares are my reality
And
there are no pills
For
the voices in my head
Whispering
lullabies of my deepest fears
Broken
records of hallucinations
I
do not remember having.
I
am afraid of sleeping with the lights on.
There
are some days
Where
days turn into nights
In
the blink of an eye
And
yet I cannot blink myself
A
different reality
That
I am not afraid of living.
There
are some days
When
it gets hard to breathe
And
there are some days
I
wish I could stop breathing
Because
it’s the panic bubbling in my chest
And
it manifests like a potion in a witch’s cauldron
A
concoction of my own anxiety
Served
to me on a silver spoon
Like
medicine I refused to swallow down as a child
Only
you can’t swallow your anxiety
Because
it will claw its way out of your throat
And
you can try to kill your thoughts
If
they don’t try to kill you first.
I
hate being alone
Because
being alone with myself
Is
like tracing knives on my skin
It’s
so easy to get lost in my own psychosis
That
when I finally find my way back
I’m
not sure if it’s really me that’s returned.
There
are some days
When
the panic screams in my head
And
my rationale is a dead language
I
no longer know the words to
I
can’t drown my demons
Because
they know how to swim
And
I am merely mermaid shell.
Do
not tell me it’s all just in my head
Do
not tell me it’s something I can “get over”
Do
not tell me it gets better
Because
it feels like I’m drowning
And
you’re screaming, “learn how to swim.”
It
feels like I’m fighting a losing battle in my head
And
you’ve turned a blind eye on my white flag
I
know it seems ridiculous
But
you can’t see it all in my head
Fear
has its icy fingers intertwined around my heart like a death grip
And
each second it tightens
And
tightens
And
tightens
Until my last grip on sanity comes loose
Sometimes
to stay alive
You
have to kill your mind
But
My
mind is a noose
And
I cannot untie a dead knot
My
mind is a labyrinth
And I am all out of golden string
My mind is a game of Russian roulette
And I do not know how to play
My mind is a game of Russian roulette
And I do not know how to play
My
mind is a freak accident
I
have no memory of being involved in
It
destroys everything in its way
And
I watch as I let it
There are some days
When I
finally understand why
Hurricanes
are named after people.
