War Stories

I know that you have your bad days

Where you feel like

Nothing is going the way you want it to

And everything feels wrong

Like you should just give up

Because what’s the point of holding on

When it’s all for nothing

You think that you’re the only one

In the whole damn world

That has it this hard

God, it’s not fair

Why does everyone else look so happy?

I wish I could be as happy as them

To say that you cannot be sad

Because others have it worse

Is like saying you cannot be happy

Because others have it better

And there is no comparison

For the depth of what you feel

But I need to let you know

That everyone has bad days

You may think that the girl who always smiles

And the boy whose laughter feels like the warmth of summer

Live perfect, immaculate lives

But their stories are just as painful as yours

Everyone has a raging inner war within themselves

Just because you cannot see it

It doesn’t mean it isn’t there

So the next time you think you know

A person’s story,

Think again

The depth of a person

Is only as shallow as your judgment

They cannot alter your perception

And so you must broaden your horizons

To the possibility of people

Being more intricate and complex

Than you can comprehend

Because inside each of us

Is a universe filled with stardusted secrets

Of wishes and hopes and wants

That others will not possibly understand

Because they are not the heroes of our war stories

And we are all veterans of the wars we fight

Against ourselves

Nobody is as hard on us

As we are on ourselves

The wars in our heads may never end

But I promise you this

You will always win

Because you keep fighting.

She's Hurricanes

There are some days

That I just can’t seem to get myself out of bed

That my heart feels so heavy it makes my head feel light

That I just don’t want to wake up

I cower under my safety blanket

But it feels like a shroud 

For the little girl I no longer recognise in myself

I used to hate falling asleep

Because I was afraid of getting nightmares

Now I am afraid of waking up

Because the nightmares are my reality

And there are no pills

For the voices in my head

Whispering lullabies of my deepest fears

Broken records of hallucinations

I do not remember having.

I am afraid of sleeping with the lights on.

There are some days

Where days turn into nights

In the blink of an eye

And yet I cannot blink myself

A different reality

That I am not afraid of living.

There are some days

When it gets hard to breathe

And there are some days

I wish I could stop breathing

Because it’s the panic bubbling in my chest

And it manifests like a potion in a witch’s cauldron

A concoction of my own anxiety

Served to me on a silver spoon

Like medicine I refused to swallow down as a child

Only you can’t swallow your anxiety

Because it will claw its way out of your throat

And you can try to kill your thoughts

If they don’t try to kill you first.

I hate being alone

Because being alone with myself

Is like tracing knives on my skin

It’s so easy to get lost in my own psychosis

That when I finally find my way back

I’m not sure if it’s really me that’s returned.

There are some days

When the panic screams in my head

And my rationale is a dead language

I no longer know the words to

I can’t drown my demons

Because they know how to swim

And I am merely mermaid shell.

Do not tell me it’s all just in my head

Do not tell me it’s something I can “get over”

Do not tell me it gets better

Because it feels like I’m drowning

And you’re screaming, “learn how to swim.”

It feels like I’m fighting a losing battle in my head

And you’ve turned a blind eye on my white flag

I know it seems ridiculous

But you can’t see it all in my head

Fear has its icy fingers intertwined around my heart like a death grip

And each second it tightens

And tightens

And tightens

Until my last grip on sanity comes loose

Sometimes to stay alive

You have to kill your mind

But

My mind is a noose

And I cannot untie a dead knot

My mind is a labyrinth

And I am all out of golden string
My mind is a game of Russian roulette 
And I do not know how to play

My mind is a freak accident

I have no memory of being involved in

It destroys everything in its way

And I watch as I let it

There are some days

When I finally understand why

Hurricanes are named after people.

Safekeeping (or alternatively, Icarus)

SAFEKEEPING (or alternatively, ICARUS)

7:03am

Have a good day at school today

3:24pm

I hope you had a great day

7:24pm

What did you have for dinner?

11:57pm

Are you okay?

You deserve to be happy

Please don’t be sad.

                                                             9:22am

                                     Don’t worry about me.

And I will keep you safe

From the tides and waves

That threaten to crush you

I will burn myself with matches

To keep you safe from the fire

I will shelter you from the storm

You can choose to seek asylum

And I will be your sanctuary,

Your refuge and your safe haven

At the edge of a world about to crumble

I will shelter you from the pain

And I will keep you safe.

Why is it I choose to protect you

When I’m more likely to shatter

You are made of bold titanium

But my glass heart will be your shield

Because I cannot bear to see you in pain

To see you cry would tear me apart.

12:05pm

Okay, but let me know if you need anything.

                                                          2:28pm

                                            Leave me alone.

Does my concern suffocate you?

It was not my intention

To asphyxiate you with my affection

I only wished to never see you get hurt

The same way I hurt myself

All I wanted was to keep you safe.

I see now that you are safest

When you are out of my reach

My hands that intertwine with yours

Are more likely to strangle you in your sleep

It was not my intention to hurt you

But it seems that was all I did.

Keep away from fire

Pour me a glass of your gasoline tears

Watch me quiver and burn to ashes

And I will keep you warm

Conjure me a lullaby of your darkest fears

And I will sing you to sleep

9:44am

I’m sorry.

                                                      10:33am

                                                        I know.

Icarus was foolish to love the sun

Its ferocity was bound to singe his wings

Yet he thought about its warmth

And maybe it was all worth it

The pain soothed his wounds

And so he let the sun set him ablaze

The sun loved Icarus just as much

But it singed his lovely fragile wings

Because you love something too much

All you ever seem to do is hurt it

You don’t want to hurt the people you love

But you end up hurting the people you love most.

I set myself on fire to keep you warm

But you chose to drown yourself in me

Keep Icarus away from the sun

And his ignorance will keep him safe

Keep away from me

And I will keep you safe.

You cannot love me as intensely

As I choose to love you

And I will always hurt myself

For loving who I want you to be

Instead of loving you

Please don’t blame yourself.

I have loved you

But all I did was wear you out

I have kept you warm

But all I did was burn myself out

I have to let go of you

Because I want what’s best for you.

We accept the love we think we deserve

You do not deserve to be drowned

By a girl with overambitious wishes

Infatuated with unattainable standards of love

I am nothing but a flaw in chemistry

And the love you deserve is flawless.

Interlude

3:04am

Why do you always take so long to reply?

                                                       7:04am

                                                    I’m sorry.

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